Day Three Hundred Sixty

Did 3 miles this morning!

Today I learned another really important thing that I'm going to apply to my life. As I've said, this thing I've been on all year that I call, Fyrescape, it's a Journey Back to Excellence. Not only is it a Journey to physical health, but mental health as well. Over the years I've had so many problems, mentally. I don't mean anything severe, but things like letting certain things get me down, being overly paranoid and letting that affect my life in a way that it becomes disruptive, causing me to lose my focus on things. That is what I mean by that. Back in 2003 I worked at Walmart. When I lost my job at the end of 2006, caused by the same exact guy who hated me and got me to quit in 2001, that really brought me down. I was so angry and defeated. Instead of getting back to my feet and getting back out there...I went into this self exile. I just stayed home in my apartment for years and did not do a damn thing. That's where most of my weight gain came from. I was not active. I stayed locked up in my home and didn't come out, unless it was to pick of Lisa from work or if we were going to do something in town. Then when our place got robbed, twice in 2 years (the second time being the worst one because they completely cleaned me out of all my expensive stuff and it happened in the middle of the day on a weekend, yet nobody saw anything "apparently") my anger just got worse. I let everything get to me. My weight increased and I began to try and hide myself by wearing a tshirt, sweater, and carrying a jacket over my shoulder. I was so scared of being seen, yet I don't know why. My mind was just so paranoid. So instead of exercising, which is what I should've done, I just fell more into my bad thoughts. Around 2010 I finally snapped out of it and decided to quit hiding, so I came out. I showed everyone who I really was and what I looked like. I started to exercise. Then, we moved out of the apartment in town and moved onto my land just outside of town. I moved my trailer, which my parents had given me, onto my land and fixed it up. For that first year, I spent it getting everything hooked up. I still hadn't gone back to work. I was still scared. Well I began to exercise off and on. I really thought I would've done great because over here there is so much privacy. Well apparently, I didn't! I ended up putting on more weight because after that first year, I noticed that the clothes that I was wearing at the apartment wouldn't fit me anymore. That made me even more depressed. Then I had so many bad experiences with women. One, a former teacher, who after meeting, called me "physically unattractive" and said many many bad things about me. She was someone I had a crush on since I was a kid and she wasn't even that attractive, but she tore me down bad and never talked to me again. That really hit me and made me worse, but honestly I think it was good that I was getting out there and trying, rather than hiding in my shell like I did all those years back at the apartment. All leading up to April 28, 2014 when I went to the doctors because of a lump in my stomach, then them telling me I weighed 360 pounds. Since that day, I started Fyrescape which is a Journey to Better Everything. Anyway, I've learned so much about everything: exercise, mentality, the things that bring me down, the things I've let get to me, my mental sensitivity, along with weight and how it fluctuates. It's been a great journey thus far!

The point of this is, today I was out on my walk and I realized that so many things have brought me down. I decided to be one way in my life from this point on, and that is to be unique. When I was in high school, I was never part of any clique. I did not have a certain crowd I ran with. Instead, I danced around everyone. I had friends from many different groups. I was my own person, on my own pane. That was what really made me stand out, I believe. I was nice to everyone and always kept my cool. I wasn't a troublemaker or someone who was rude to ppl. Over the years, I lost that part of myself and by that I mean, I felt I wasn't good enough for anything. Well that is not true and I know that now for sure. I've lost a lot of weight since last April, regardless of what that stupid scale says. My body feels great and I'm able to do things now that I never could before. I've also conquered all the craziness that goes on in my head. I don't let things get me down anymore. I'm no longer paranoid about everything. I still make mistakes though, I'm not perfect and I never will be, but I have the tools to be a unicorn. Something unique and that's how I'm going to live my life from now on. I want to do great things with my life, but things that I decide are great, not what the world or anyone wants me to do. Self ambitions and happiness, that's what I'm shooting for. Before I always wanted to please everyone. I would put off things for myself just because I didn't want to make anyone else angry or upset. There's nothing wrong with that, but it allows ppl to take advantage of you, which is what happened to me. My family does that and the women I've met have done it as well. It's not good to be that way. Be nice, courteous, but never weak. Stand up for yourself and do what is best for YOU! Never dull yourself down to please other ppl because then you're letting down the most important person, which is Yourself. That can cause all kinds of chaos in your life, as it did mine.

So from now on, I'm going to be that unicorn. Something rare and unique. Something that I've made and will continue to make myself into everyday, with God's help and blessings. Everything I am, I accredit God. He has taught me everything and showed me everything I need to know to make it in this life. All that I have learned during Fyrescape, was shown to me by Him. That is the most important thing that anyone who reads my blogs can get from them, to Always and Forever, trust in our Heavenly Father. Trust in God, everyday of your life!